Disjointing the Devil: Twilight Quotations

So this is the part where I am, against my will, forced to share with you, or torture you with, some of the most memorable (read: worst) moments of my painfully predictable page-turning-process. Trying to connect this post with my earliest, I will focus on one subject in particular:

Descriptions.

Up first: Garments. Stephenie Meyer's indefatigable need in describing clothing is imminent and in fact, as if we’d have though it to be possible, worsening the text. By insistently squeezing unfitting sentences into the already non-fluent formulations she is continuously breaking what ounce of magic – if that's what they call it – she might clearly unintentionally have created. A great example is the one in this meant-to-be-thrilling scene where Bella has, in an attempt to be heroic and morally correct by sacrificing her own life, run into the arms of a non-”vegetarian” vampire (that is to say a blood drinking one; a normal one):

“His dark eyes assessed me with interest. The irises were nearly black, just a hint of ruby around the edges. Thirsty.
”I will give your strange coven this much, you humans can be quite interesting. I guess I can see the draw of observing you. It’s amazing ― some of you seem to have no sense of your own self-interest at all.”
He was standing a few feet away from me, arms folded, looking at me curiously. There was no menace in his face or stance. He was so very average-looking, nothing remarkable about his face or body at all. Just the white skin, the circled eyes I’d grown so used to. He wore a pale blue, long-sleeved shirt and faded blue jeans.”
Page 445

W-question for the ones who didn't understand what problem I have with this part:
WHY WOULD WE WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE WORE?!?!?!


Subsequently, I would like to introduce another one of Mrs Meyer's many darling victims to word-painting: Edward Cullen's eyes – or, more correctly, his gazes. The looks this gorgeous vampire youth is repeatedly firing at Bella seem somehow easier for her to read than if they'd been described and written down in words by Edward “Mood Swing Man” Cullen himself, even when they last no longer than one millionth of a second. I have abstracted a number of quotations on this theme, chosen over many others, from two of the earlier chapters:

“As I examined them, the youngest, one of the Cullens, looked up and met my gaze, this time with evident curiosity in his expression. As I looked swiftly away, it seemed to me that his glance held some kind of unmet expectation.”
Page 22

“I peeked up at him one more time, and regretted it. He was glaring down at me again, his black eyes full of revulsion.”
Page 24

“But Edward Cullen's back stiffened, and he turned slowly to glare at me – his face was absurdly handsome – with piercing hate-filled eyes.”
Page 27

“His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful.”
Page 43

“I glanced up, and he was staring at me, that same inexplicable look of frustration in his eyes.”
Page 46

Apart from questionable punctuations in some of the sentences above I would like you to take a closer look at one fact in particular: Correct me if I'm wrong, but is it not usually the facial features AROUND the eyes that signifies and expresses feelings, and not so much the eyes themselves? Then again, what do I know, vampires could have other talents apart from the ordinary sparkling in sunlight, growling like wolves (shouldn't werewolves be the ones doing that by the way?) and climbing trees at light speed. Maybe Edward and Pluto have the ability of showing emotions with their pupils only in common?

Miss B. A. Vamposaur

Quotation from Dying bites

This is some quotations from the book Dying bites. I had many to choose from but didn’t use them all, because a lot of them could be hard to understand if you haven’t read the book. I hope people who read the quotation I have chosen will enjoy them as much as I did when I read them.
´
1)In the first quote, the head character Jace discuss with one of her fellow worker how much vampires wants to pay for real human blood. That discussion didn’t turn out the way she would like:

”Black-market human blood. Heard they pay a thousand dollars at once.
- Nice to be wanted”
- Nah, you got nothing to worry about. That’s for virgin blood
I wonder how much trouble I’ll get in for shooting my own enforcer.”
(Page 56)
.
I only selected this quote because I found it hilarious when I read it.


2)In the second quote, Jace gets a question from a lycanthrope why she is a vegetarian and this is what she answered:

“If everybody eats beef, cattle need lots of room to graze. Forest gets cut down to make pasture. Instead of trees absorbing carbon dioxide to make oxygen, we get cows absorbing grass to make methane. I don’t know about thropes, bur I rather breathe air than cattle farts”
(Page 49)

I choose this quote because it makes you start to think how our future will look like. It gives us insight about what might happen if we don’t take care of our planet.

3)In the third quote Jace meets a man who looks at her in a way she doesn’t appreciate and this is what she thinks about him:

“All men have that automatic hindbrain trigger that fires whenever they see a beautiful woman, but if you could decode that signal and put it into words it would just come out as “want sex now!” In a demanding, Homer Simpsonesque voice.”
(Page 50)

This is another quote I find very funny but it isn’t the only reason why I selected it. It shows how little trust Jace has for men (something you will understand more about if you read the book)

4) This is the last quote. Jace is wondering about if someone misses her and starts to think about her best friend Tanya:

“Tanya my one good friend would definitely miss me-but she’d get over it. Tanya’s a social butterfly, and while she’s sweet, her memories are short. Give her a year and she’ll have a new best friend.”
(Page 81)

This quote tells me how easy humans can go on with their lives. It shows that no one will be sad forever and that is a very good thing to think about, because if everyone would feel sorrow all the time no one will be able to live.

I hope people have enjoyed my chosen quotations and might understand why I selected them. Have fun! (^_^)

Miss M. Vamposaur

Quotations, what are they really?! :-)

I have read half of my book now. I must say, Marked wasn’t like I had expected it to be. I thought it would be like a scary book with many nasty and evil vampires who wants to kill humans. But that thing doesn’t exist. I can’t really tell you about what’s happening, but if you think Hogwarts, occupied, not by wizards or witches, but by vampyres learning vampyre stuff. Include some jokes and tattoos; you’ll have my book there. If you understand what I mean, you also know what my book is about, perhaps. Anyway, I have read half of it, and I came across some nice quotations that I want to share with you! First you have to know that the story is being told from Zoey’s point of view.

When you read my the quotes you will see that they are a bit strange and, well, that’s how this book is, it’s funny though.

The first quotation is so “non-vampyric” as it could be. It’s when Zoey have past out and she wakes up, it’s quite fun, I think. I kind of like this quotation (obviously).

”I laughed, and it was amazing! I swear I could see my laughter floating around me like the puffy things you blow off a dandelion, only instead of being white it was birthday-cake-frosting-blue. Wow! Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun? I wondered if this was what it was like to be high.” Page 42, Marked

In the House of Night, they have a lot of cats. But nobody owns them, the cats chooses them. So they really like cats in this book, and that’s why I chose this quote. This quotation is told by Neferet.

“I’ve found that the way a person feels about cats – and the way they feel about him or her in return – is usually an excellent gauge by which to measure a person’s character” Marked, page 59

Now I’m moving to a really annoying quotation. I don’t like it, it’s told by Aphrodite, who thinks that she is the best person in the world or something. You don’t usually think that someone could say this; it is quite embarrassing to listen to. Aphrodite has a little too good self-confidence…

“It’s amazing here mostly because of me.”

I glanced at her, thinking that she must be kidding, and met her cold blue eyes.

“Yeah, you heard me right. This place is cool because I’m cool.” Aphrodite, Marked

I just think he’s smart, I mean what could you say to bring this argument down?

“Actually, since I’m gay I think I should count for two guys instead of just one. I mean, in me you get the male point of view and you don’t have to worry about me wanting to touch your boobies.” Damien, page 91.

Yes… I like this, I like Damien, and he seems like a funny person. And I am starting use the word “sycophants”, the most hilarious word I’ve heard since… I don’t know.

“I followed his gaze and felt a zap of nerves when I recognized who he was talking about. “You mean Aphrodite”

“Yeah, Damien said. “And her stuck-up flock of sycophants.”

Huh? I blinked at him.

Stevie Rae sighed. “You’ll get used to Damien’s vocabulary obsession. Thankfully, this isn’t a new word so some of us actually know what he’s talking about without having to beg him for translation. Again. Sycophant- a servile flatterer,” she twanged proudly like she was giving an answer in English class.”

Page 92.

I just had to choose this too, they were so gimmicky when they wrote this book.

“Cereal?” I suddenly perked up. I seriously adore cereal, and I have an I ♥ CEREAL shirt to prove it. I especially love Count Chocula – yet another vampyre irony.”

And finally it is proved that Shakespeare was a vampyre! Now we probably know what he was doing during the years when he was gone… He was at the House of Night! Or maybe not…Anyhow, this quotation is told by Professor Nolan, one of the teachers. And I did only choose it because he said that Shakespeare was a vampire.

“….I asked one of our talented upperclassmen to stop by and recite the famous monologue from Othello, written by the famous vampyre playwright Shakespeare.”

Page 128.

And that’s it! Did you like them? Maybe you didn’t understand them all if you haven’t read the books? If that’s the case, ask me! (Especially M and B.)

I do like my book, even if it weren’t as I had expected it to be. But I think (hope) that there is going to happen something soon!

This is the kind of tattoos everyone have in my book. I think it looks nice! :-)

Tomato problems

Once upon a time there was a frog, but he wasn’t an ordinary frog, he was a vampire frog. Every night he flew around searching for something to eat. He started running as fast as he could towards the nearest hardware store (he had some pretty unusual habits of eating), and found himself standing outside it in less than two seconds. Surprised he followed them into the woods. In the woods there were lots of vampires, and worst of all: werewolves. He felt the fear come upon him and his fangs grew out. As his opponent jumped at him,Wulf buried his fangs in the tomato. The tomato was screaming but he didn’t care, because the only thing he wanted to was to drink the little tomato’s “blood”. But suddenly a big cucumber jumped out of his pocket and started to sing. They all looked very surprised for a minute, but soon started to sing along. In no more than half an hour, the whole village sung too: “I’m totally the cutest vampire, and I’m trying to keep from biting everyone”. The vampires stood still. They couldn’t move their legs were out of function. They smelled the awful smell that they never have felt before, but they knew that they could not go in there.
By the end of the river, in a far distant, they could see a small ship anchored. The ship which was their rescue, but they asked themselves, “Why would we want to eat your tomato” the butter frog said, “the only thing we eat is flowers” The vampire frog looked down on the ground. He didn’t understand why people didn’t like to eat tomatoes. But suddenly he understood, it was because they where red! And from that day he never ate a red tomato again.

Them and the Loneliness

Once upon a time, a little lonely bat flew across the football field. The football field felt sorry for it, but wasn’t able to say so since he had no mouth. The others thought that was really weird but they didn’t want to bother, because then they would have to stick their fingers into the non-existing mouth. And they did not care if he died, so they ran off. Left behind was the little, little frog named Little Frog. He gazed after them as they ran off and mourned. Behind him was a lake with a big grey stone in the middle. The stone started to talk: “Why are you staring at me? Leave me alone!” But suddenly a bird appeared out of thin air, screaming “GARLIC!” into his ear, wherefore he fell to the floor, stiff as he had been frozen in a split second. He wondered whether he be dead or no, or if he maybe did turn in to a mermaid… He believed on the mermaid theory and went to the sea to look if he could see himself in the water. “A great pain washed upon my face and my mind as a struggled to get up, but it seemed quite undoable. The reindeer was standing there on the ice, looking on me down in the freezing water.” It didn’t do anything to help but they couldn’t because they where in another story! Suddenly Harry Potter appeared in front of them, for some reason somewhat transparent, immediately starting to show them what fabulous things he could do with nothing but a small stick. He didn’t seem worried by his body slowly disappearing, continuing to talk about what the others soon figured out was a magic wand, but in just an hour he had become all invisible. And by the time, the lot of them had realised that it was too late for lunch.

Bloody hell and a piece of garlic

Once upon a time there were three different sorts of beings in the country. There were the evil slug Gregor, and the evil vampire frog and the handsome vampire guy. He was really awesome and twinkled in the direct sunlight. “That was just so cool! Because I mean, this thing about vampires killing humans and dying in direct sunlight, that’s just gibberish. Right?” Rut said. Gregor didn’t like to be talked to so he pretended that he didn’t hear Rut. But as soon as he turned his back on his victim, Rut flew across the room and hit him to the floor with a bottle of syrup. “Sweet” she said. If she meant the syrup or the sugar, she knew that no one liked cookies with blood in… But she had a lot of blood. She cut herself with a knife and collected the blood.

“This is True Blood!!!” she said to The Eternal Sorrow. “Why hast thou brought me here?” was the question, and The Eternal Sorrow answered with a laugh. And everyone started to stare. They had never before heard the Eternal sorrow laugh, and that made them scared. Suddenly everything stopped and the only thing possible to see in the dim light was the glowing eyes of her enemy. Suddenly, a cracking sound caught her attention, making her spin round in terror. It was war between the vampire frogs and the slug Gregor. They fought as hard as they could, but they did not know that one day, he would win and become father of everyone in the country. The vampire frogs ran into a lake, but they did not know that it was a lake poisoned with garlic. And the others, they fell into the garlic lake and they were eaten by the big salmon crocodile.

You should know one thing... This is a folding story.. It is not serious at all and we don't mean to hurt or make fun of anyone. It is fun though! :-)

Twilight - my new mocking...bat

When Edward became the laughing stock.

Because he could be real.

"You're incredibly fast.

And strong.

And bumptious."

"What am I? Say it! Say it out loud!"

...

"A mermaid."

"What...?"

"A mermaid."

Best parody ever <-- click it!

LAUGHING MY BRAINS OUT!

//Miss B.A. Vamposaur

Dying bites

Now I have read the three first chapters of Dying bites, a novel written by DD Barant and what I believe is a criminal-vampire novel. It is about Jace, a profiler who works in FBI.
One day she got transported trough a portal into an alternative world and in this world a very small part of the population are humans and the biggest part of the population consists of vampires and werewolves. She meets a vampire by name David Cassius and he is the head of NSA and he needs Jace’s help to capture a mental ill killer who targets vampires and werewolves. Why they need her help is because vampires and werewolves can’t get sick and doesn’t understand how the killer thinks. But if she doesn’t succeed she will never be able to go back to her own world.

As a said I have only read three chapters but I can already say that I love this novel. It was a long time ago I found a book like this that capture the reader before the book has started for real. The best thing is the delightsome irony the author use in the novel, which makes it both amusing and lively to read.

Because I only read a very small part of Dying bites so I can’t really say what will happen in the end but I guess in the end Jace won’t be able to go home because Dying bites is the first novel in the bloodhound files series. And probably she will get problems with vampires outside the NSA, because in a world where vampires eats humans and humans isn’t something you sees everywhere it might be tricky for her to not end up as vampire food, but I hope that wouldn’t happen because if that’s the case I wonder what the other books will be about.

(^_^)

//Miss M. Vamposaur

Twilight

Love vs. Life

Will we fall for it - again?

Reluctantly, and under constant protest, I have finally begun my Twilight journey. The book that so many fell for, a "many" I wish to never become a part of, has now instead fallen into my hands. But the oh so famous story about little, self-pitying Bella with no personality whatsoever, moving to the devastatingly boring village called Forks, meeting Edward, the gorgeous and morally troubled 17 years old (+ “a while”) vampire, does not apply to me. So far, I could add, but I seriously doubt that it will grow on me. I have never been that keen on pretentious love stories.

I have had quite a few preconceptions about this book in particular and I must say that – may the force be with me in future battles against Darth Cullen and his army of brainwashed and easily offended fan girls – some of them has already been proved right. For example:

1. Low literal quality: The language is rather poor, especially compared to other books for the same target audience, something even fans have admitted (after a bit of persuasion). To my great surprise, Stephenie Meyer appeared to have a University degree in English literature, but as for someone with that skill in writing I can only imagine what kind of English literature she studied. Surely not Shakespeare, I can tell.
   
2. Non-original: I cannot get over the idea that, when writing, Mrs Meyer suffered from the horrible and yet so common DND – Debut Novel Disease. I imagine she had a sudden vision of “this great story about a girl falling in love with a vampire” but had never before managed to write more than essays in University. Not being an experienced author, she therefore began to take influences from others instead of making an attempt to be original, resulting in a perfectly normal, mainstream and rather boring young adult romance novel, with a little less mainstream subject. And then I do not mean love.
3. Serious: No time has been wasted on amusing readers possessing the not-so-by-the-author-blessed ability of laughing. Humour of all sorts have been violently thrown down into the burning jaws of hell in order to make way for unneeded descriptions of uninteresting people’s unremarkable clothing and alike. Along with this cruel murder goes the lack of detailed and intimate descriptions of the main character’s personality. But on second though, they might just be as exact as possible, Bella could of course be the partly psychotically non-emotional teenager as whom she is described.

Although I already know the ending of Twilight, it would not have been particularly hard guessing. Bella falls in love with Edward the Handsome, but is soon forced to realise that having a vampire for boyfriend will be somewhat hard, even though their feelings are mutual. Bla bla bla, she gets in trouble, risks her life to save his, something something, if not spoken, the sentence “It feels like it’s the right thing to do” will at least be thought while she is taking stupid chances, trying to save the life of her immortal (stupid, I told you) boyfriend, dumdidumdidum, Edward turns up from nowhere rescuing his fair maiden, why it looks like it’s heading towards a happy ending when a sudden, “unexpected” twist comes up and the novel ends, to our big surprise, with a cliff-hanger (as if we did not know that there are three more books to go).

To sum it up: I have entered the partly pathetic world of Twilight, and I have a bad feeling about the story’s way of proceeding already. Having seen the film, I know that I can only look forward to the really "tragical/exciting" sections, where I will hopefully have a slightly bigger chance of finding the story exaggeratedly pretentious enough worth laughing at. And, of course, the legendary…

Edward run.

Miss B.A. Vamposaur