Third time (un)lucky

“Link your novel to chosen theme.”

Theme: Vampires.
Novel: Twilight.

Depending on how to define a vampire, this could be an either very easy or very hard task. If I was to define it as “a creature feeding on blood from mortals”, Twilight is unquestionably a vampire novel. Though, of course, the Cullens could in that case just as well be a somewhat confused mosquito family. But merely by replacing the word “mortals” with the word “humans” I could, without further ado, downgrade Edward from mythological monster to bumptious bat – along with all of his family members – since eating habits appear to be the defining difference between the two. Also, draining a cow from blood instead of a human seems somehow like a less mythical action...

Alternatively, I could suppose that vampires are “human-like beings feeding on blood from mortals”, whereupon Bella would at least have fallen head over heals for someone who could do the same, since he actually would have heals. As for the rest there are many, many possible “criteria” to fulfill to count for a vampire, in my opinion yet unfulfilled by him, which I will discuss later on.

“Briefly discuss the genre/theme, the history of the genre, other authors and films within the genre”

In Twilight, after having noted several unnatural talents possessed by the mysterious victim of her obsession, the ingenious Bella searches on Google to find out what Edward “really is”. In like manner, to gain information about different vampire books and legends, I typed the word “vampire” into the search box in the upper right corner of my internet window, only to find by far more than necessary. Therefore, I only browsed the first three pages, but in some way managed to detect some interesting facts to share:

1. Bram Stoker's Dracula was NOT by a long sight the first vampire novel to be written. Though, the story of the blood-sucking Transylvanian Count, who also seems somewhat allergic to Christendom, stalking the young Mina has come to be one of the most well-known books of its genre. Besides, the character of Count Dracula was not entirely fictional, but inspired by Vladimir the Impaler – a ruler of the once-great kingdom of Wallachia, now called Romania.
2. Vampires have, despite the public fright of them in early times, more often than not been associated with sex. Numerous erotic books on vampire-human romances have been published since the beginning of 18th century – the time when the “vampire craze” culminated. This is, I think, if not unfathomably stupid and ill-advised regarding the possible consequences by those featuring in the books mentioned, rather repulsive. Necrophilia is none of my taste. In my opinion, partners should be equal.
3. There are great deals of different vampire legends, many of them insanely strange or, let's say, different from what I imagined. For example, the Ramanga from Madagascar who feeds on spilt blood and nail clippings – yes, I AM serious – from tribal members of higher rank, or the Japanese Nukebi, whose head can detach and fly about on its own to seek human prey, would be especially unfitting for a juvenile romance book. I imagine it would be a bit harder for Bella to maintain the respect for her beloved Edward if he insisted on biting her toenails in public – or if he had his head come off whenever she tried to kiss him, howsoever divine he may look with it on.

Needless to say, none of these vampires could possibly exist in real life (/death, or whatever word that rightly describes what state they might be in). Though, there are some aspects of their physical forms I would like to discuss more thoroughly, mostly in order to pinpoint Stephenie Meyer's (or “Smeyer” as she is frequently called by those acquainted with Twilight having too many opinions in their heads and too little time on their hands.) unprofessional mistakes when creating her mysterious creatures. For example,Count Dracula has many flaws and weaknesses, while “Smeyer” is making her vampire characters more supernatural than any superhero throughout the history. It has even come to this that I consider having weak points such as needing to sleep on the soil of your own land and being unable to cross running water is more realistic than having none at all. Thus, in a comparison of the strengths and shortcomings between the two, Dracula and Edward Cullen, mentioned in relevant books and films, I will try revealing why even the old mythical Count would stand a far greater chance of going through a visit at the doctor without being busted:

Dracula

• Sunlight.

It burns him to death, apparently. Although, there are several films and books in which it does not, why I think this is a less signifying distinction. Besides, humans can be allergic to sunlight as well, if they suffer from Solar Urticaria...!

• Patriotic sleeping habits.

As mentioned, Dracula has to sleep on the soil from his own land. But if he does not, as little does he die as if you were to stay awake for another day, since the only consequence to it is insomnia. Comparing this to the time when you yourself were about five years old and had lost your favourite teddy bear, it seems just a strange, but not unrealistic weakness.

• Garlic.

So, the vampire king doesn't like garlic. But honestly, who does?

• Cross.

It is said that waving a cross at Dracula keeps him from tearing you to pieces. I understand him. If a distraught Christian came at me with a metal object screaming imprecations, I too would run helter skelter for safety.

• Running water.

In some films Dracula are unable of crossing running water. What happens if he does I do not know, but it likens the compulsions one had as a child, being compelled to step on every paving stone but NEVER between them. Conclusion: I doubt that he would actually die from it if he did.

• Stake through the heart.

… Kills him. No comments. Please.

• Inhuman strength.

This gift they have in common, Mr Ed and Sir Vlad. It is far from unnatural though, as many animals possess that physical power. Even some humans seem to do at times, although that would be highly paradoxical.

• Cold.

Vampire skin is cold to the touch, I accept that. Mine is too.

• Non-breathing

This is where it is getting unnatural. But the two are alike on this point, therefore it changes nothing. However, he could just pretend.

Edward

• Adamantine skin.

This reminds me of the time when my little brother confounded the two words “strong” and “hard”. “Superman is hard.” he affirmed, as his idol threw a building at the giant monster heading towards Lois Lane. Smeyer has made the same mistake but worse, by deliberately confusing them. Strong is OK by me, but hard!? Why on earth does he have rock hard skin? How does he move at all?? The doctor would probably be puzzled if the needle broke at the blood test before penetrating the patients skin.

• Good-looking.

“And then, like a carnivorous flower, we are physically attractive to our pray.” Edward once said when describing his own kind. This fact always bothered me (not that he said so, but that they were). Were their whole appearance changed during the turning-into-a-vampire-process, or did Carlisle simply chose his pray after how mouth-watering they were, figuratively speaking? According to the film, the later suggestion would be correct since Edward looked exactly the same in the strange flashback scene showing his transformation.

• Fast.

He runs at almost-light speed. No, sorry, he walks at almost-light speed, according to the film. Evidentially uninfluenced by any air resistance he moves faster than the eye can see, even upwards. I do not know about you, but I find climbing trees with sneakers and bare hands while carrying Bella on his back somewhat physically impossible even for a vampire that strong, especially with nothing but toes and fingertips touching the bark. Did they see that, he would in less than no time be arrested by the science police for not abiding the laws of physics. Reality surpasses fiction, not friction.

• Mind-reading.

Every vampire has its own “superpower”, developed from a special talent they had as a human. I think Smeyer has let her thoughts wander a little too much at this point. I have almost begun suspecting that she has been involved in the writing of the manuscript to Heroes since there are so many “cool” things about her characters it makes you loose interest since you reckon nothing could kill them anyway. There is no fun watching a snowball fight where all participants on both sides are immortal AND armed with bazookas.

• No liquids.

Twilight-vampires have no liquid in their bodies.

…

Excuse me…? What did she come up with that for? I can assure you that I could have made up a great many of better explanations to why he cannot cry, if that is what it is all about, but I would not willingly drag up the discussion of what is medicinally possible by stating that he is completely liquid-free. Besides, does the blood immediately freeze when having been drunk too, or does it “not count” if the liquid were not originally his? Anyhow, this was the straw (/drop?) that broke the camels back, so to speak; Edward is now officially killed by simple logic.

The End.

Miss B.A. Vamposaur